


Of Memories Past

by Shuufleur



Series: Trope Bingo Fills [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Spoilers, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Spells & Enchantments, Trope Bingo Round 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 16:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14476881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shuufleur/pseuds/Shuufleur
Summary: A witch cast a spell on Tony which makes him live Barnes' memories.





	Of Memories Past

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for my Trope Bingo squares Unexpected Friendship/In Another Man's Shoes.
> 
> It's supposedly post Infinity War but no worries! There are no spoilers, even though Thanos is mentionned. I wrote this before the movie was released (and I haven't seen it yet).  
> From what little I heard, this is now considered as canon divergent where everyone lives. Yay.  
> I hope you like it.

Tony looked up and saw

_Mountains_

_Snow like white ashes_

_The train, taking Steve away, leaving him_

The wind was screaming in his ears. It was cold, freezing. His heart beat too fast, too fast, too fast. He blacked out. It was for the best. He wouldn’t feel it when he died.

Cold, he was freezing. He felt numb, broken except for the searing pain on his left side. He wanted to shout but the fall took his voice away. He was alone. Then he wasn’t. Soldiers. He knew them. Their uniforms were familiar. But he didn’t remember from where. They grabbed him and dragged him on the snow. He head lolled on the side, and he saw, he saw: nothing. He left arm was gone, completely cut off, blood seeping, leaving a bloody trail beneath him.

It was too much. Too much. His body said stop and the mind obeyed. He lost consciousness once again.

*

Dr. Strange squinted his eyes while he was doing something with his hands around Tony’s head.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as if he couldn’t see the dark beneath the engineer’s eyes or his sickly face. He glared at the _Sorcerer Supreme_ and said, biting:

“How do you think I feel about having my parents’ murderer memories? Hm?”

Strange scowled for a minute before his expression smoothed out.

“It’s not an ideal situation…”

Tony scoffed. Not ideal, right.

“But know that I’m looking for a solution to this. For both of you.”

Oh, goodie. Barnes was probably laughing his ass off reliving Tony’s life.

“Yeah, I hope you’re as good as you claim to be. I don’t exactly enjoy being in a mindless drone’s memories.” Tony replied in an attempt to keep in bad mood intact. Strange only smirked as if he knew what he was doing. His hands stopped glowing and Tony felt a lot better when he thought that.

“I have everything I need to know.” Strange announced, while gesturing whatever magic in the air, opening a portal. “I’ll keep in touch.”

“You better.”

Tony’s tone might not have been entirely friendly, but luckily, it seemed Strange was immune to asshole speak as he only raised an eyebrow before stepping in the portal. It blinked out of existence and Tony released a breath. He closed his eyes, and started massaging his temples in a way to lessen his headache.

The whole mess was caused by a witch just a few hours ago. She cast a spell on Tony. He saw it and was going to evade it when stupid Barnes pushed him out of the way. He literally flung himself out of a roof to change Tony’s flight path and got hit with the spell as well.

Apparently, he was living the same thing as Tony. It probably explained why he suddenly disappeared while Tony had to go to Medical and wait for a diagnostic that said “MAGIC”. He could’ve guessed that one, he thought bitterly.

Someone knocked on the door and Tony opened his eyes to see Rhodey come in.

“Hey, buddy.” Rhodey said with a smile. “How are you feeling?”

Tony couldn’t stop the groan.

“I’m… not okay.”

The admission took Rhodey by surprise.

“Where are the others?” Tony asked before Rhodey try to wrangle more out of him. His expression darkened slightly at the mention of their teammates. Well, teammates was true only on the fact that they were working as a “team”.

“Nursing their own wounds. They didn’t come?”

“Uh, no?” Tony huffed. “Why would they?”

Yeah, why? They’ve been back as a team because of Thanos and his armies, not because they’ve finally braided friendship bracelets.

Rhodey sighed, put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

“Tell me if you need anything.”

Tony smiled, it felt brittle.

“Sure thing, buddy.” Tony rolled his eyes at the look Rhodey gave him.

“I promise.”

“Sure.” Rhodey answered.

“You have no faith in me,” Tony joked weakly.

Rhodey smiled.

“You know I do,” he said before leaving Tony alone.

Once alone, Tony all but slumped on himself.

This was a mess, and he wasn’t prepared to deal with Barnes’ shit. He thought about going to his workshop but the mere thought of walking in the compound and running into one of the Rogue Avengers, or worse Rogers or Barnes, just made him want to hide in Medical.

Which was what he was doing. He was just going to lie down a bit, and then when everybody was in their rooms, he would sneak in his workshop and work off his frustrations.

For now, he was just going to close his eyes and-

*

Tony woke up. He was still alive. Dear god, he was still alive. He looked around, it was dark, but he could see lights from machine. Weird, futuristic machines but machines from the past? It was confusing. His mind didn’t know what was what. Past or present? Past or future?

He wanted to see, touch, taste. He couldn’t move. He looked down. He was strapped down.

Suddenly, lights. People came in; people in lab coats, in pristine uniforms, others in tattered uniforms, missing a limb or two. He felt the pinprick of a syringe in his arm. He gasped, turned to the lab coats injecting him a transparent liquid. It burned its way through his veins, to his limbs; his arm, his fingers, his legs and feet, his lungs, his heart, his head. It burned, burned, burned.

Flames were licking every inches of his body.

Tony didn’t know how long he was stuck down here. He lost count of time. Couldn’t see if it was day or night. Lab coats changed, but they were always lab coats, and soldiers. Some prisoners survived, some died. But he was here, still here, fighting for his life. Why? Why was he resisting? It was too much. They kept testing him, they wanted him for something.

It reminded him of before, when he was taken prisoner, when Steve saved him. Too late. He had been too late.

One day, one of the lab coats said to a soldier: “he’s ready”.

Tony didn’t know where he went, didn’t know why he was ready or for what. He just knew he would regret it.

*

Tony opened his eyes, heart in his throat. He could still see, feel and smell his dream as if it had been real. He squeezed his eyes closed until he was seeing colors. But this was real. What he saw was a vision of a real moment. This was a memory, not some kind of demented nightmare.

He sat up and put a hand on his chest, trying to will his heart to calm down. He didn’t need to have a heart attack, and certainly not because of Barnes’ horrible past.

With trembling hands, he took support on the bed to stand. He walked to the door and peered outside. He could have asked FRIDAY but he didn’t want to talk to her. Not here, where anyone could hear.

He went to one of the kitchens to grab a snack and maybe drink a little. When he arrived in the kitchen, he was momentarily startled with the shadow crouching down on the ground. He saw a glint of metal, making his heart hammer. Instinctively, the gauntlet formed around his right hand. The form on the ground stood and stepped out of the shadow while Tony aimed at it.

“Christ, Barnes,” Tony exclaimed, harsh. “Can you be normal for once in your life? Damnit.”

Tony willed the gauntlet away and went to the cupboard where the glasses were stored, always watching Barnes from the corner of his eyes.

The man didn’t even face him. He was just standing there, looking down like the unluckiest puppy of the world. Tony didn’t want to sympathize with him.

“What are you even doing here?” Tony asked because he couldn’t stand not knowing, and maybe because he wanted to hurt Barnes a little. “Aren’t you supposed to be with your BFF?”

Finally, Barnes met his gaze, and the inventor didn’t like one bit was he was seeing. It reminded too much of himself.

“You know what, I don’t care.” Tony opened another cupboard, fully turning his back on Barnes, and found the pop tarts. He expected something to happen, but when nothing did, he shrugged and put a pop tart in the toaster.

“I have them too,” Barnes suddenly said, voice rough. “The… the visions.”

He visibly swallowed.

“Are you…” Tony started. He stopped himself because there laid something he didn’t want to know.

“I’m sorry,” Barnes said then, and Tony couldn’t anymore.

“Nope, I’m not doing that.”

Tony didn’t stay one second longer. When the toaster went off, he was already halfway to his workshop.

*

“Hello, Mr. Barnes. My name is Dr. Zola, and I will help you through this transition,” the short man with a German accent said.

Tony looked at him from the corner of the eyes. They took him from his cell, injected him with a liquid to make him compliant, and led him through the corridors to a lab, different from the one he’s been since he was taken prisoner. They strapped him down on a chair. There was some contraption on the headrest, with wires ending in round little plastic pieces.

“You are very special, Mr. Barnes. Invaluable. You’re our key to success.” Zola continued as he started to stick the little plastic circles to Tony’s head. Forehead, temples, back of the head. He wanted to move, snarl, do something.

When the first shock hit him, his muscles contracted, he bit his tongue, pain diffusing  everywhere.

After that first time, they thought it would be better to give him a mouth protection, preventing him from biting his tongue by accident.

They shocked him. Showed him videos. Repeated the same sentences, the same words over and over. He resisted as long as he could.

Until he couldn’t anymore.

*

God fucking damnit!

Tony threw the wrench he had been holding in his hands. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep on his worktable. He tried to breathe calmly as he felt a panic attack creeping up on him. The torture… it had been too much.

This was the first time, Tony had a real inkling of what happened to Barnes. Sure, he read the reports, heard what the guy said but it wasn’t the same _thing_ as living it, even through memories. It made him sick and wondered how Barnes was still alive.

Alive, but broken.

Tony could more than relate to that. It was all too familiar.

“FRIDAY, save whatever is worth. Scratch of the stuff that’s not viable. I’m... “

He shrugged, not bothering to finish his sentence. He wasn’t going to sleep, that was sure. Coffee seemed like a good idea.

He went to the kitchen but stopped when he spotted Rogers, Romanov and Wilson eating, talking, smiling at the table. He couldn’t believe they were acting so normally. He guessed that not having the memories of a brainwashed murderous Russian spy/HYDRA puppet helped.

Whatever.

“Tony!” Captain Jackass said, his joy bleeding away as soon as he saw Tony.

“Yeah, I’m just here for coffee.”

Tony decided he was just going to be obnoxious and ignored them. It worked before. They usually left him alone after that.

He heard Rogers stopped next to him when he arrived at the coffee machine.

“Are you ok?” Rogers asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

While Rhodey’s gesture had been comforting, Rogers’ was only pissing Tony off.

“I’m fine,” he replied, shrugging off the hand. “See? I’m drinking coffee.”

Tony made the mistake of looking at Ste- Rogers’ face. He understood now where Barnes got that kicked puppy look. Or maybe it was the inverse. Rogers looked appreciatively sad. Tony snorted.

“Don’t pretend you care, Capsicle.” Tony smiled, all teeth.

“I care Tony.”

Of course, he would say that. The coffee started percolating, and Tony grabbed a mug and continued to ignore the captain. Rogers sighed and went back to his seat, finally leaving some breathing room for Tony.

As soon as the coffee finished percolating, Tony poured it almost to the brim of the cup. He brought it up to his mouth, not caring that it was boiling hot.

Weird, he thought, the coffee was cold, almost freezing, he

*

was frozen from head to toe. In his heart, in his head, in his body. They were people, talking to him. Asking in Russian, “Asset, are you ready to comply?”

He didn’t know how he knew it was Russian. He didn’t even remember who he was.

“Asset, are you ready to comply?” he repeated.

“Yes,” Asset answered.

“Good. I’m your handler. You obey me and only me. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

*

The mug slipped his hand, fell on the ground and broke in pieces.

*

Sometimes, he remembered. Things, names, people. A red, white and blue shield. Captain America and Howling Commando. A blond young man both short and tall and a dark-haired lady. A man with dark eyes and a seductive smile.

And then, it was gone. He was empty, ready to be used like a shell washed up on the beach. Taken, manipulated, tortured. He was just a Thing they could use.

He was the Asset.

*

Tony?

*

“Asset?”  

“Ready to comply.”

“You have a new mission: Find Captain America and eliminate him.”

“Affirmative.”

*

“Steve?” he murmured, but he wasn’t sure if it was from the mission or the compound. His gauntlet formed around his hand.

“Tony, don’t,” a voice said in front of him.

He looked up.

*

There was something familiar about him. If he could just grab the fleeting memory, it was there.

He called him “Bucky”, a name that resonated strongly inside him even though the asset didn’t have any name.

They fought. The asset could eliminate him. He should, he was his mission, but he didn’t. He could have shot him in the head, but he didn’t.

Captain America fell into the water and for the first time since he woke up all those years ago in a cryotube, he felt something: guilt, longing, hope.

Even after he plunged into the water to save him, the asset didn’t understand why. What was it with this man that disturbed him? He seemed to know him, called him Bucky, told him “‘till the end of the line”, tried to save him.

Could he be saved?

This man gave him something he lacked before: will. He wanted to know the answers to those questions, he needed to know if he was just the asset or something more.

*

When Tony came back to him, he was sitting in the corridor. No, more like thrown in the corridor. His head was pounding, his ribs hurt, there was… rubble everywhere, and his gauntlet was in pieces, just like his mug. Just like his mind.

“Tony? You back?”

The inventor looked up and saw the blood on Steve’s face. Saw the bruise that started to form on his cheek and thought, “I did that and I don’t even remember.”

“What happened?” he asked, his tongue thick in his mouth.

“You… lost yourself in your mind, and tried to attack us.”

He probably wanted to say “try to attack me” because Natasha and Wilson seemed alright. It was a relief.

When Tony didn’t move, Steve softly grabbed his arm and help him stand up. Tony hissed when the movement shifted his ribs.

“You’re going to Medical,” Steve ordered as if Tony was going to say no. Well, he probably would have if he didn’t faint as soon as he took a step forward.

*

The exhibition was both helpful and harrowing. Tony looked at the picture of the man who looked like him and wondered: was this me? Was this who I’m supposed to be?

He remembered better now that he wasn’t shocked every time he started or finished a mission, but it felt foreign, all this history. Objectively, he knew he lived through that, that it was him. He just couldn’t connect emotionally because his mind had been scrambled too many times.

And Captain America - Steve - wasn’t leaving him alone. He was on his trail, then it was his friend, the one with the wings. He just wanted to be alone for the time being to think, process and plan.

He just wasn’t sure if doing that was worth it in the end.

He asked Rogers for help, and he got arrested.

*

_Longing_

No!

_Rusted_

_Seventeen_

Please…

_Daybreak_

_Furnace_

Don’t!

_Nine_

_Benign_

Pl-

_Homecoming_

_One_

_Freight car_

“Soldier?” the unknown man said.

“Ready to comply.”

*

“No!” Tony thought, gasping for air. He looked around and realized he wasn’t in the HYDRA base, or a Siberian bunker. He was back at Medical. This wouldn’t do.

Since there was no one here, Tony slipped away. He didn’t go to the workshop. No, he went to the living room and opened the liquor cabinet. It was time to forget all of this, Tony told himself as he twisted the cap off the whiskey.

He didn’t bother with a glass and drunk directly from the bottle.

The bitter taste fell down his throat, and burned.

*

There were other super soldiers out there, others like him. He needed to eliminate them. He couldn’t release them in the world, not if they were brainwashed like him. Obviously, Steve went with him, and obviously Stark followed.

He was wary. He didn’t know what the man was going to do. Everything seemed fine until that fateful moment, when they all witnessed the Winter Soldier kill Stark’s parents. And the question.

“Did you know?”

Broken.

“Yes.”

Tony didn’t remember a time when he fought as much and as less for his life than now. He wanted to survive so badly but he also knew he had been the one to kill all those people. He deserved what Stark wanted to do to him. He deserved all of it and more. He should have died in that fall, he should’ve--

*

Tony gasped and closed his eyes. He tried to repress a sob but he felt too damn much. Loathing, sadness, guilt. It was too much and too familiar at the same time. Tears ran down his cheeks silently. He grabbed his pillow and burrowed his face, gripping tightly the pillow, trying to chase away these visions, these feelings.

He couldn’t. He was paralyzed by the sheer despair he could still feel, lingering at the back of his throat, in his head, in his battered heart and lungs. He curled up in hopes of eradicating all this pain. It didn’t work, he just felt so hopeless. It felt like it would never end.

Suddenly, he felt hands on him. He jumped away, and faced the intruder. Before him was a haggard James Barnes, looking sick and feverish. He looked at him, and crawled closed, his gaze understanding.

Tony shook his head. Don’t come closer, don’t. But the other man didn’t listen, or maybe Tony didn’t say it out loud. Barnes was close enough to touch him but he didn’t. He waited, his hand - the flesh one - hovering in the air. Tony remembered when he - Barnes - lost his arm and shuddered at the pain, at the memory of getting a new arm, connected to his nerves, to his brain.

“May I?” Barnes asked suddenly, voice rough as if he had been crying. “I think… I think we need this.”

Tony bit his lips and nodded slowly, not wanting to seem too eager. Barnes let a small relieved gasp before taking Tony into his arms. The engineer didn’t waste any time. He put his arms around the other man and put his head on his shoulder, gripping, gripping, gripping as tight as he could.

Barnes returned the fierce hug and they stayed like that for hours, silently comforting the other with their presence.


End file.
